Well, hello there…

It’s been awhile and I feel like I’ve begun every post I’ve written in the last year with some version of that.

Anyhoo, there have been many changes in the last few months. The biggest one? I’ve been happy and it’s about fucking time.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been quite chaotic, but I feel like I’m finally back again.

One of the biggest contributions to my lift in spirits was my new promotion at work. Pretty much working full time has helped my financial troubles, forced me out of bed and social.   Having some sort of routine has proven to be quite helpful in trying to crawl out of my personal downward spiral. Now, I covet every minute I’m not working and am amazed at how fast 9 hours can whiz by while at work.

I commute into the city for my new job now and the change of pace has been really good. I think I was feeling really stuck and living and working in the suburbs didn’t help. Although I’m not a fan of the 35-60 minute drive (depending on traffic), the upbeat pace of the city has really lifted my spirits. Oh! And I have to say, Pandora has really saved my life during those long commutes.

Well, I hope you are well and I’ll be back soon. XO


Sharing a meal together

I have to say, no matter what the terms, divorce is hard. I’ve struggled for the last 6 months and waver at the thought of getting through this period without my friends and boyfriend. So, thanks to all who have been in my life.

I recently came across an article on apartment therapy about communal meals and realized how much this has saved me. Due to the severe financial changes, I’ve cooked more in the last 6 months than in my entire life combined. The funny thing is, I crave it now and find myself mentally putting together a meal with what’s available in my kitchen and racing home to whip it together. It helps that there are always hungry mouths to feed too.

There’s something comforting about being surrounded by people, creating a meal and sharing it together. Often times, I have to make enough for my two boys, Bill, his son and perhaps the peppering of Liz’s kids. It brings comfort and stability to my boys to sit down at a table to inhale a home cooked meal. During my marriage, there was a lot of takeout and the boys would often eat before my ex and I did.

To this day, it’s rather difficult for me to sit at a table for family dinners. Whenever my parents, siblings and I would gather for a meal, it would be stomach turning. My father would find something to nag or insult me over, therefore leaving my appetite nonexistent and forcing me to leave the table. I have a natural instinct to flee whenever we gather for meals. It’s a muscle memory and it takes a lot for me to fight it.

However, I see the importance of sharing a meal together. My boys now enjoy the ritual of feasting and sharing their days at the table. Although I’m naturally a quiet person, Bill has taken the reigns and kept the dinner talk going with our kids. I really appreciate all that he does, especially the large mess I’ve created after producing the meal.

With money so tight lately, creativity kicks into overdrive. When my boys crave something from a restaurant, I will do what I can to recreate it on the cheap. Aldi has been a great resource for inexpensive food and it’s been nice to see my boys get excited for chicken or fish and green beans.

Did I just say green beans? My kids are eating vegetables that aren’t dipped in batter and fried to an artery clogging perfection? Well, if being poor gets my kids to eat well, I suppose I’ll take being poor.

Run Butters RUN!

It’s been 6 months since I’ve moved out of the house and into my apartment. And to be perfectly honest, the adjustment has been difficult. The biggest mistake I made was getting off my antidepressants. I knew I couldn’t afford to stay on any long term medication, let alone doctor’s visits, so I got off of everything last summer. Since I won’t have health insurance, it was more of a practical choice. However, waking up several times a night between 3-6am in full panic mode hasn’t been exactly fun. Desperate for a full night’s sleep, I dosed myself with some children’s benadryl last night, only to find myself awake at 3 am, yet again.

I was originally put on Zoloft several years ago by my neurologist for my migraines. He was set on regulating my sleep pattern and felt it was a crucial factor in my chronic migraines. His theory was that Zoloft stopped the “gerbil on the wheel” effect. Many women suffer from this medical condition of “gerbil on the wheel”, where their brain continues to run and turn over things to do, should the nonfat cool whip be purchased instead of the full fat version, is it wrong to want destroy the neighbor’s load of laundry, one article of clothing at a time when they’ve left it in the dryer for over a week? You know, real world changing topics. Well, the Zoloft definitely took care of that gerbil for me. In fact, the Zoloft stabbed that gerbil repeatedly until he quit twitching on his damn wheel.

Now that my gerbil has returned with a vengeance, he sprints on his goddam wheel nonstop. I catch myself running numbers in my head, which is probably the worst possible thing for me to do, considering I am the one Asian who shames the United Nation of Yellows with my lack of mathleticism.

How have my migraines been, you ask? Surprisingly, better than 2 years ago. I still get them 4-5 times a month, but a huge improvement to everyfrigginday. I think the reason the number has remained so low is the lack of pain intervention I use. I try to just truck along, with the occasional tylenol or hot bath in the dark. Lots of hot baths in the dark. That way, I don’t have to catch a glimpse of my fat ass in the mirror and gives the gerbil less power to run on.

Have you been pinning?

I was sent a Pinterest invite by GG at the perfect time! I always knew about Pinterest, but didn’t really register it. Well, I was in the midst of planning and redecorating my place when my bookmark page was overflowing with links. Pinterest is the perfect tool for getting organized, in addition to being a fabulous resource for home decorating, recipes and style. So get pinning!

7500 miles away

My mother and father were hardworking people– 7 days a week, 12-15 hours a day to provide for their family. As a result, there wasn’t much of a presence in the parental department. I either helped in the kitchen (where my mother ran a catering business out of our home) or lived out little Mia’s La La Land and played by myself. Very little was exchanged between me and my parents and as a result, I never quite picked up Taiwanese growing up. Since my parents never learned to speak English over the 30 years they resided in the states, I don’t communicate with them very much.

I received the very sad news today that my father is currently in the ICU from a heart attack this past weekend. I don’t have details, but he will head into surgery tomorrow morning. My mother just recently recovered from her second eye surgery, as she was losing her vision rapidly in the last few months.

I’m not particularly close to either one of my parents… let’s just say the relationship has always been tumultuous. I’ve always struggled with the idea of staying in contact with them during my adult life, but chose to, for the sake of my children and building some sense of family for them. My boys still ask about their grandparents, as they usually see them during this time of year since my parents live 6 months in the states and 6 months in Taiwan. Due to the state of their health, they have decided to stay in Taiwan. And even though there is a huge language barrier between my boys and my parents, they still have a large bond. As shitty as they were as parents, they certainly made up for it as grandparents.

My reaction to the news about my father was rather shocking to me. I was devastated. To be honest, I’ve always longed for their distant absence, in hopes of moving on with my life and past. At the same time, I’ve never felt such a sinking sensation this news has brought me. And so helpless or alone, 7500 miles away.

I struggle with my feelings today and I imagine I will continue to for quite some time. For now, I just need to breathe and let it all sink in.