Where is the FB relationship status, “Ask me again and I’ll stab you in the eye with a fork.”

So, my best mate Liz and I have been kind of on the same path in the relationship world… we’re both waiting for our divorces to finalize and we’re both dating. The difference is, she’s “in a relationship” with her man and has recently made it legit on Facebook.

Holy shit, that’s serious. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, LIZ!!! YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND MADE IT PUBLIC ON FACEBOOK.

I mean, congratulations to Liz! I love you and I’m so happy for you and your guy, but the actual idea of taking that step has me flailing my stumpy arms and running into a wall. Now, this is not a jab at my guy, he’s on the same page as me… we spend quite a bit of time together, our sons are the best of friends, but we are both sprinting towards opposite hills at the mere mention of “relationship”.

However, I was on Facebook tonight, being very nosy and noticed my man’s FB page stated he was “single” and my immediate reaction was, WHOA. HOLD UP. 

And this is where you mutter to yourself, “Good Lord, she’s such a typical woman.”

And you know what? I fucking am. I’m a bat-shit crazy WOMAN who bathes in psycho water while eating chicken wings, scheduling and then canceling and then rescheduling an appointment for a lobotomy because I don’t know what the fuck I want.

I can’t even say, “[insert my man’s name here] and I are dating.” It sort of comes out as, “So, [man’s name], um and, um I AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH SHIT gargle gargle, uh darting?” And I honestly think I said, “darting” instead of “dating” because I suddenly have Tourettes when discussing my relationship status.

And you know what? If my man decides to change his relationship status to “in a relationship”, I would shit myself. And perhaps smear feces all over my laptop so I wouldn’t have to read it, ever again.

I think there should just be a relationship status: “I’m too fucked up to know.”

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I have edamame butt

Whoa, there’s been a lot of shit on my plate… so much, that I now bleed from my asshole due to the amount of stress I’m under. Seriously, I have to sit on a bag of frozen edamame in order to find some relief. Rectal bleeding sucks. Our house is finally on the market and to have not one person show up to the open house was quite discerning. The broker’s open house only brought 7 realtors in and the prospect of my house selling seems slim.

Also, trying to keep my life empty of sketchy, passive-aggressive people is proving difficult. Facebook definitely sucks and there’s always more information on the social media network than you really need. Mostly stupid shit, but often times, really hurtful information that knocks you off your feet. So, I’ve been cleaning house and blocking people off my friend’s list.

At this point, I just want to crawl under the covers and stay there until my house sells and they have to kick me out. Which won’t be anytime soon.

 

The HAIR.

My oldest son, Colin had this beautiful long shag and he decided to cut it all off. We had a hair cutting party at my house were a friend who’s a stylist came and cut 8 heads of hair. Colin had the most drastic cut. I’m a little sad to see his hair go, but it’ll grow back.

the stress that is me

My anxiety level has risen so high, it has become ridiculous. I find myself pacing in circles or chain smoking or wandering grocery aisles for 45 minutes, not realizing it. There’s a number of things causing my stress to shoot up and I can’t name one because my head is spinning right now. It’s taking everything in me not to claw at my own face at this point.

I just need to breathe.

drifting about…

After a fantastic weekend, I basically bombed and petered out. The migraines have returned and I’ve spiraled into a deep depression where I can’t seem to pick up the camera any longer. It’s been a difficult few days, but I’m hoping to get out of my funk soon.