Memorial Day was the one year anniversary of sobriety. I celebrated with my sponsor bringing me flowers and a coin, a cookout with many, many friends and fantastic food. I’m quite proud of myself, thank you very much.
Tonight, after my kids went to bed, I shut the kitchen doors, opened up all the windows, baked some pumpkin bread and lit up a few cigarettes. It’s too cold to smoke outside and since I’m by myself tonight, I’ve locked myself in the kitchen with the tools of baking, chain smoking and my thoughts. I haven’t gotten very far in thinking, just mindless babble, what I should’ve done or said, beating myself up over a slew of things racing through my head.
I’m not sure where I’m headed with this post, I just need to put myself out there sometimes. I know I’m being vague, but some things need to be kept private, you know? I have therapy tomorrow and sometimes I look forward to it and other times, I brace myself for the worse. I’m bracing myself for the worse tomorrow. It’s one of those times.
I live in utter shame, humiliation and in full humbleness ever since my sobriety. It’s how I got to my sobriety and how it will keep me there, but that peace I’m looking for just hasn’t arrived yet. It will take time, a great deal of time and patience.
Until then, I will just bake and chain smoke.
I’m always grateful for what I have. My family for one, my sobriety for another.
I’ve always said that my insurance company and doctors supported my drug habit, it was like an endless candy machine, with a push of a button that dispensed pills. Alcohol on the other hand, was my own doing. I still have the urge to use and drink, I fight it daily. Then I remember the years of not remembering, the holidays and birthdays I missed out on because I was too high and/or drunk to recall and I never want to return to that darkness.
This is the first year in a long time where I was fully present during the holidays, watching the joy in my children’s faces over Christmas, cooking Christmas dinner and loving my husband to the fullest. I have to say, things have been good.
However, I do struggle with my inner peace and that’s something I will continue to strive for. It will come when the time is right, but it’s frustrating at times. But I’ll get there.
Sometimes, life grabs you by the hair and slams your face into a wall. It’s life. It’s my reality.
Thanks to my sponsor, I’ve taken to the idea of making a grateful list every morning. It’s a mental list as I’ve yet to put things down on paper. However, it’s important for me to do this little bit of meditation to bring a little balance in my life. Otherwise, it’d be just a whirlwind of grief and anger.
Today’s list consisted of this:
1. My sons. They bring great joy to my life, however annoying they are at times.
2. AA meetings. There’s always one available to me, when I need it most and grateful for those who serve and run the meetings. Without them, I’d be lost.
3. The sun. Just sitting outside and basking in the sun for a few minutes gives a little lift and light in my life.
4. Shit-tastic days. Even if I have the shittiest day imaginable, I’m always able to find something fantastic about them at the same time.
5. Writing. Expressing myself in a literal form allows me diffuse whatever I’m feeling.
6. My dog and the cat. Bowie forces me to be outside in the sun and fresh air, in addition to his propelling tail when he greets me at home. As much as I resent the cat, I appreciate that she keeps me company as often as possible and has full conversations with me. Rigby is sitting at my feet as I write this, after much meowing, discussing her day of naps.
7. Food. I find great comfort in food and cooking. I’m glad there’s always food in the house and right now, homemade chicken noodle soup.
8. Fall. I always greet the changing colors of fall with surprise and bittersweet sorrow. The dull purples of lilacs, bright pinks of geraniums or the boldness of mums against a fall backdrop is a lovely find. I’m constantly unearthed by what I see outside.
9. Friends. They’re always there to share a meal with, in addition to great conversation.
10. My therapist. Without her, I’d fade into the backdrop.
That’s it for now.
It’s amazing what antidepressants can do for you. It gives you the illusion that everything is fine and just when you think you don’t need it anymore because you’re doing so well, you hit a wall and begin to fall apart.
I’ve been vomiting for over a week now, unable to hold anything down, including my antidepressants. To be honest, I didn’t think it was a real issue because I was doing so well. Unfortunately, that was not the reality.
I woke up this morning from a dream where I was disrespected and abandoned. I have a lot of issues with abandonment, so this left me in an incredibly fragile state. I awakened to find myself sobbing. When I feel the layers unraveling, leaving me raw, I have a strong desire to use or drink. It’s a quick fix and I know that, but the obsession is there.
Recently, I was offered some painkillers for my tooth pain. It was done out of heart and care, but my reaction was to cry shakingly, hyperventilating. It made me realize how traumatic the time where I was using was for me. I never want to return to that place.
But on the opposite side, I still have a desire to use. How contradicting is that? It’s the life of an addict.
I’m trying desperately to keep myself together and hope my antidepressants stay down to work it’s magic because my life depends on it.
Today, I had to break up with my therapist of 10 years. She swore at me and I felt like I was going to vomit.
Good thing I have another therapist to fall back on.
Thanks to my husband and white parents, I got to spend last weekend in WI, to help get me out of my funk. My husband held down the fort with the kids and pets while I was fed yummy food and went antiquing with my white parents. I had a great time and was forced outside instead of trying to climb into bed.
I headed back in time to make my meeting where I was finally shed some light on my depression. I find with depression, it seems the dumber I get and when things get broken down in the simplest of ways, it’s easiest for me to understand. So when someone finally said, “Be gentler and kinder to yourself and learn to love yourself,” it finally hit me. I had been turning all my anger inward, blaming myself for everything and although I needed to take responsibility for it all, I also needed to take care of myself in order to function. Otherwise, I’m stuck in bed and useless to my family.
So there’s my little insight for the day. Whew, I’m exhausted.