Where is the FB relationship status, “Ask me again and I’ll stab you in the eye with a fork.”

So, my best mate Liz and I have been kind of on the same path in the relationship world… we’re both waiting for our divorces to finalize and we’re both dating. The difference is, she’s “in a relationship” with her man and has recently made it legit on Facebook.

Holy shit, that’s serious. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, LIZ!!! YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND MADE IT PUBLIC ON FACEBOOK.

I mean, congratulations to Liz! I love you and I’m so happy for you and your guy, but the actual idea of taking that step has me flailing my stumpy arms and running into a wall. Now, this is not a jab at my guy, he’s on the same page as me… we spend quite a bit of time together, our sons are the best of friends, but we are both sprinting towards opposite hills at the mere mention of “relationship”.

However, I was on Facebook tonight, being very nosy and noticed my man’s FB page stated he was “single” and my immediate reaction was, WHOA. HOLD UP. 

And this is where you mutter to yourself, “Good Lord, she’s such a typical woman.”

And you know what? I fucking am. I’m a bat-shit crazy WOMAN who bathes in psycho water while eating chicken wings, scheduling and then canceling and then rescheduling an appointment for a lobotomy because I don’t know what the fuck I want.

I can’t even say, “[insert my man’s name here] and I are dating.” It sort of comes out as, “So, [man’s name], um and, um I AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH SHIT gargle gargle, uh darting?” And I honestly think I said, “darting” instead of “dating” because I suddenly have Tourettes when discussing my relationship status.

And you know what? If my man decides to change his relationship status to “in a relationship”, I would shit myself. And perhaps smear feces all over my laptop so I wouldn’t have to read it, ever again.

I think there should just be a relationship status: “I’m too fucked up to know.”

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2 thoughts on “Where is the FB relationship status, “Ask me again and I’ll stab you in the eye with a fork.”

  1. Well, there is a real difference between the following:

    1. Advertising you’re in a relationship
    2. Advertising you’re single
    3. Leaving that part of the profile thing blank

    Sometimes shutting up FB-style really simplifies things.

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